?

Log in

 
 
05 July 2007 @ 05:53 pm
lmaoidk  
Title: Lying Is The Most Fun A Fake News Anchor Can Have Without Taking His Clothes Off, But It's Better If He Does.
Pairing: Jon Stewart/Lars Ulrich (what?)
Rating: PG-13ish.
Summary: "There was this guy, and he told me that for a price, I could be the number one turtle farmer in the country. I had to like, take a course or something, and pay three easy payments of thirty-nine ninety nine to change my life forever."
Notes: I'm pretty sure only cobrasnaps would be remotely interested in this, but maybe I'll get lucky. There's crack? Anyway, it's like Jon/Anderson Cooper, only more plausible! Ha, ha, ha. The title was taken from Ryan Ross, who took it from the movie Closer.
Disclaimer: Any similarity between the fictional version of the person portrayed here and the actual persons is purely coincidental. This is a work of fiction. This is not an attempt to defame the character of said person on the basis of libel, as the work is FICTIONAL (and NOT an intently false statement created with the express purpose of misleading others about the actual character of said person).

Any mention of 'The Daily Show', 'The Colbert Report', 'Viacom', any associated entites, or any copyrighted material pertaining therein is reasonably protected by the Fair Use Rule of the United States Copyright Act of 1976 and is not intended to infringe upon any copyrighted material.







There are only two things that are completely and totally wrong here.

One: Jon is sweaty and panting and in between his legs is the drummer of fucking Metallica (I mean, what the flying fuck is that about) and he's actually doing a pretty amazing job, considering the setting and the oh my fucking god what is going on here?!

Two: His hands are bound with a belt to the headboard of the motel bed and his nose itches. Fuck this.


--


"So I had this dream last night."

"Oh?" Jon doesn't really care. He never really cares about anyone's dreams, unless they involve some sort of wacky space adventure like the ones he used to have when he was a kid. He still remembers the ones where he was dressed in some sort of spandex space suit and fighting aliens inside of a futuristic plastic bubble that could shoot high-powered hyperbeams. All he dreams about now are being smothered by cats in his sleep and eating bran muffins. Getting old sucks.

"There was this guy, and he told me that for a price, I could be the number one turtle farmer in the country. I had to like, take a course or something, and pay three easy payments of thirty-nine ninety nine to change my life forever." Lars is looking at him with wide eyes and there's something closely resembling mania in his voice.

Jon sighed and continued looking up at the ceiling. He imagines the cracks in the plaster are spaceships. "That wasn't a dream, that was an infomercial."

"Oh, okay."


--


Stephen calls him a week later, and Jon is pretty sure that he's just a fraction away from experiencing a fatal heart attack.

"REMEMBER TO GET ME AN AUTOGRAPH OR A FREE CD AND REMEMBER TO TELL HIM THAT YOU KNOW ME AND MAKE ME LOOK GOOD C'MON JON YOU CAN GET ME FUCKING BACKSTAGE AND --"

Jon hates his friends.


--


He's really not sure what to call this. It isn't really a relationship, but they never really settled on a name for this kind of thing. It's not a one night stand because this is the third night in a row, and it isn't a long distance thing because Lars has a private jet or something and can get to New York in only a couple of hours if he really wanted to.

It's not even that it's inconvenient or something that he doesn't want, because he's getting laid and getting laid feels really good. Jon kind of thinks that it's weird -- bizarre, even -- because he never thought in a million years that something like this would happen.

Seriously though, it's kind of nice.

Lars comes over the next day with flowers and a smirk, asks him what's for dinner and then sprawls on Jon's way too small couch and peers up at him from behind dark sunglasses.

Jon finally decides that abso-fucking-lutely insane is a decent word for this specific situation.


--


"So I was thinking ..."

That was never a good sign. Jon thinks that he should stop Lars someway, but he tried once and came back with bruises and bitemarks that he never seemed to be able to explain to his co-workers.

"Yeah?"

"Maybe you could get the band on the show. We have an album coming up, you know."

"Yeah, I know." Mixing business with pleasure was not something Jon was particularly good at.

Then again, stranger things had happened to him before.


End.

Tags:
 
 
Current Mood: weirdweird
 
 
 
Mariamiazilla on July 6th, 2007 12:25 am (UTC)
EEeeeeee! I think I love you :D METALLICA crossover FOR THE WIN.

But wont James get jealous?
cobrasnaps: metallica - james/lars gigglycobrasnaps on July 6th, 2007 04:22 am (UTC)
If he gets a sex tape, he won't care.
let's write stories together.: :D!!!!argyletheme on July 6th, 2007 08:38 pm (UTC)
I love you too! :D Thank you for reading and stuff.
Jay Auris: Shocknighthawkms on July 6th, 2007 12:58 am (UTC)
Picture me saying this in the Chris Farley Voice:

OH MY FREAKIN GARD.

That is my reaction to this fic. You get an ANDERPEEN as a reward <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<3

WIN.
cobrasnapscobrasnaps on July 6th, 2007 04:25 am (UTC)
Anderp33n is not worthy of this fic.

It's worth the Lars Ulrich Blowjob Scale of Sex. Set on high to OH MY FUCK GOD KNEPPE!
let's write stories together.: not like hips or carsargyletheme on July 6th, 2007 08:39 pm (UTC)
EW ANDERPEEN GET IT AWAY D:

And thank you. :D
spacemonkey: Scoobspacemonkey_699 on July 6th, 2007 01:48 am (UTC)
*glances at pairings, starts to read the story. Stops, goes back to the pairing and gapes*

You. Win. You crazy, crazy woman. I think I'll be going on a Metallica spree now, thanking you very much!
cobrasnapscobrasnaps on July 6th, 2007 04:25 am (UTC)
I've been born on a Metallica spree. They're quite awesome, yes.
let's write stories together.: all the white men!argyletheme on July 6th, 2007 08:40 pm (UTC)
Woo! What do I win? :P Thank you!
cobrasnaps: megadeth - OMFG!cobrasnaps on July 6th, 2007 04:15 am (UTC)
I SHRIKED ON TOP OF MY FUCKING LUNGS I LVOE YOU OH MY FUCK GOD
cobrasnapscobrasnaps on July 6th, 2007 04:16 am (UTC)
KADEN KADEN KADEN I CAN'T STOP LAUGHING I'M SHRIEKING ON TOP OF Y LUNGS AND DYING AND AND AND ANDA KDLSFJALKSGJAWL;KDFS

HAVE I EVER TOLD YOU THAT YOU'RE MY HERRROOOOO YOU'RE EVERYTHING I WANT IN LIIIFE FUCK THE WORDS I DON'T CARE
cobrasnapscobrasnaps on July 6th, 2007 04:16 am (UTC)
omg i'm peeing.
Jay Auris: Shocknighthawkms on July 6th, 2007 04:24 am (UTC)
TMI, TRIN. TMI X____X
cobrasnapscobrasnaps on July 6th, 2007 04:26 am (UTC)
STFU & GTFO THIS IS MY DAMN STORY --------->
Jay Auris: Hypernighthawkms on July 6th, 2007 04:37 am (UTC)
GO CRY EMO KID. CAPSLOCK PARTY, BITCHES. WE DO NOT HAVE NEED OF YOUR BODILY FLUIDS; ONLY THOSE OF JON AND LARS NEED APPLY

BTW, TOPPING JON= FUCKIN' A
cobrasnapscobrasnaps on July 6th, 2007 04:49 am (UTC)
Okay, no.
Jay Auris: Sadnessnighthawkms on July 6th, 2007 04:49 am (UTC)
Awwww ;-;
cobrasnapscobrasnaps on July 6th, 2007 04:21 am (UTC)
I STILL CAN'T FUCK GET OVER THE FIRST FUCKING SON OF A BITCH GODDAMN FUCKING PART ONE. WITH LIKE, THE DRUMMER FROM METALLICA WHAT THE FUCK IS THAG ABOUT ASLKDFJQOGUQWUEGIOFSDJ

i
love
you.
cobrasnapscobrasnaps on July 6th, 2007 04:21 am (UTC)
LARS, THAT'S NOT A DREAM, IT'S AN INFOMERCIAL.
cobrasnaps: lewis X______xcobrasnaps on July 6th, 2007 04:29 am (UTC)
Stephen calls him a week later, and Jon is pretty sure that he's just a fraction away from experiencing a fatal heart attack.

"REMEMBER TO GET ME AN AUTOGRAPH OR A FREE CD AND REMEMBER TO TELL HIM THAT YOU KNOW ME AND MAKE ME LOOK GOOD C'MON JON YOU CAN GET ME FUCKING BACKSTAGE AND --"

Jon hates his friends.


KLAGHLKJLKSJDLAFFLASDF

THAT IS THE GREATEST THING I HAVE READ IN THE HISTORY OF FANFICTION.
cobrasnapscobrasnaps on July 6th, 2007 06:02 am (UTC)
This fic just got quoted on my goddamn profile. I love you and this so much.
cobrasnapscobrasnaps on July 6th, 2007 06:03 am (UTC)
So you know, this is seriously the greatest thing ever:

Jon sighed and continued looking up at the ceiling. He imagines the cracks in the plaster are spaceships. "That wasn't a dream, that was an infomercial."

"Oh, okay."
cobrasnaps: metallica - THEY STILL CAN KICK YOUR ASScobrasnaps on July 6th, 2007 12:46 pm (UTC)
It's almost 6 AM PST. 9AM EST.

I'm still awake.

I read this fic all over again.

I died, cried, sporfled, etc.

GREATEST. FIC. EVER.

Yes.

...

Please write more. Like, just of Metallica, because obviously, you own Lars' soul. And stuff.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

...

btw, if metallica was going to do a live performance at the daily show, i'd so be there in a fucking heartbeat.
cobrasnaps: fall out boy - pete sez NINJAS SUCKcobrasnaps on July 6th, 2007 12:47 pm (UTC)
pete wentz/lars ulrich, kthnx. *runs*
cobrasnapscobrasnaps on July 6th, 2007 12:47 pm (UTC)
NO SERIOUSLY PETE/LARS BECAUSE ANDY WOULD BE ALL BITCHY ABOUT IT, FER SURE.
cobrasnaps: megadeth - JUST WAIT UNTIL I TALK ABOUTcobrasnaps on July 6th, 2007 12:48 pm (UTC)
in the end, dave mustaine and kerry king will bitch about how metallica sucks, and yet they can't compare to them.

I LOVE YOU LIKE LARS LOVES DIET COKES WITH LEMON. Night. <3
K.HUNT: [lars] the unnamed feelingketene on July 6th, 2007 06:21 pm (UTC)
LMAO BEAUTIFUL
cobrasnapscobrasnaps on July 6th, 2007 07:12 pm (UTC)
kaden, btw, ketene, she is my wife. yeah. she peed reading this too. yep.
let's write stories together.: pretty much the cutest everargyletheme on July 7th, 2007 05:46 am (UTC)
I LOVE HOW YOU COMMENTED LIKE 23947293847298374 TIMES.

ILU ULI KLJDFKL;ASD :D

<3
eneagledeneagled on July 10th, 2007 08:41 pm (UTC)
HOLY CRAP! I had to read this cuz I FUCKING LOVE LARS sooo much-I'd never expect to see his name in this comm so *I had* to read! It was def. crack-LOL- but not too bad! KUDOS to you for pairing this ever-so-odd couple <3
softgraysky on July 13th, 2007 07:29 pm (UTC)
Jon finally decides that abso-fucking-lutely insane is a decent word for this specific situation.

Also a pretty good freaking word for this fic, and for the fact that YOU OWN MY SOUL!!!

YOUR MIND = BEST PLACE EVER!!

And Stephen's a fanboy, and Jon's getting old, AND LARS = LOVE, because cobrasnaps has made me fall in LOVE with him, and YES!

I will have images of Metallica on the show and Jon getting all weird and afterwards, there being LOTS OF PORN!

*coughcough*