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10 February 2007 @ 01:29 am
i really don't think i know what this is.  
unconcerned and comfortably numb
Pete Wentz/Stephen Colbert crossover from hell. 2,855 words, NC-17.
In which Patrick has a massive crush on Stephen Colbert and Pete has sex with him, har dee har. Pointless smut and crack for myself and sparkofmyteens.

Disclaimer: Any similarity between the fictional version of the person portrayed here and the actual persons is purely coincidental. This is a work of fiction. This is not an attempt to defame the character of said person on the basis of libel, as the work is FICTIONAL (and NOT an intently false statement created with the express purpose of misleading others about the actual character of said person).

Any mention of 'The Daily Show', 'The Colbert Report', 'Viacom', any associated entites, or any copyrighted material pertaining therein is reasonably protected by the Fair Use Rule of the United States Copyright Act of 1976 and is not intended to infringe upon any copyrighted material.


The only way Pete knows about Stephen Colbert is that Patrick watches his show every night.

"It's satire. Political jokes and commentary and the like," Patrick tries to explain, curled up against the couch cushions and blinking up at Pete with an amused expression on his face. "Infused with gay jokes and sarcasm. It's awesome."

"Yeah, sure," Pete responds, not particularly interested, but hey, Patrick has a pretty smile. And he's sure the show isn't that bad, because Andy watches it too. Besides, he thinks, staring at the television screen (he'd wanted to play Guitar Hero, dammit, but again, Patrick had a pretty smile, and a seriously strong set of puppy dog eyes to match), with his long fingers and sense of humor, Pete didn't think that Stephen could be that bad.

"See, I know that look in your eyes," Patrick said, stretching his arms and nudging Pete in the thigh with a finger. "You could fuck him if you wanted to, you know."

"That would kind of constitute getting near him, which I have no intention of doing," Pete sighed, irritated. Patrick gave him a wide grin. This was usually the other way around.

"The Pete Wentz I know would never turn down getting fucked by someone. You're going to let that reputation fade because of what? A fake news anchor?"

"And just why the fuck are you so hung up on me getting into bed with Stephen Colbert?"

Patrick sat back, a fringe of hair settling on top of his eyelids beneath his hat, his expression plain. "It would be hot, you know," he explained softly, eyes growing slightly wider and his hand sliding across Pete's shoulders. Pete had the urge to move that piece of hair out of the way, to tuck it behind his ear.

"It'll be a challenge, I guess. A dare. I dare you."

And yeah, Pete has never been known to not take a dare. Especially when they involved fucking other particularly hot guys. Especially when Patrick kept smiling, fuck.


There's one good thing about getting your naked pictures plastered on every computer screen in America, nearly dying in a Best Buy parking lot and having your every move watched by nearly every teen girl who bothered to pick up your band's CD is good for, and that is getting good press coverage when you have a book coming out.

It's usually just a musical guest spot on a late-night talk show; one that mentions before they play that hey, Pete Wentz has a book deal and it's coming to a book store near you.

Patrick runs up to him before a performance, the last one before the book comes out next week, and his face is red and he looks fucking elated. Pete is surprised that his face isn't breaking with the stretch of his mouth, and he grabs Pete's shoulders and fucking jumps on him, his fingers digging into the fabric of his hoodie.

"Jesus Stump, what the fuck are you on?" he snaps, but he's grinning nonetheless. Patrick's cheer is contagious.

"Guess who's getting fucked tomorrow?" he says in a hushed whisper, pushing Pete back into the wall next to him and grabbing onto his hips again, steadying him.

"You keep pushing me into walls, and I might not be able to control myself, you know," Pete responds dryly, as lights shine on them from the stage a few feet away.

Patrick shuts his eyes and makes a noise, close to a squeal, and shit, you would think the kid had just gotten blown by David Bowie. "We kind of got you a spot on The Colbert Report. There was a scheduling conflict or some shit and you got the back-up spot!"

Pete just stared at him. "Dude, did someone replace you with Brendon Urie in your sleep?"

At that, Patrick just rolled his eyes. There's a boom of drums for the sound check, and he can barely hear Joe calling them over because they're going to go on soon. Patrick closes his eyes and opens them, his hands still on Pete's hips and his lips now pressed to his neck, and Pete slowly takes a breath and lets it out, shaky.

"Challenge, remember? There's a prize at the end, I swear."

He can hardly see anything, because the lights are on the stage and there are dim colors and shapes and now he can hear Joe clearly in the distance telling them to get the fuck over here!, and yeah, he remembers.


"This is kind of ridiculous."

There are few things that Pete knows about Stephen Colbert, and Pete has already given him partial points for having decent food in the greenroom, but really, this is ridiculous.

"That's funny, you never get this nervous before talking to someone," Patrick muses, twirling a carrot stick between his fingers before flinging it at Pete's head, who smiles and tosses it back at him.

"I'm not nervous; this is fucking stupid."

Patrick looks up at him and sighs. "Dude, you really need to get laid."

"I get laid plenty, as you know fully well," Pete retorted. "Dude, I'm not a politician or a fucking pundit guy. Why the hell am I here?"

"He has more than people like that come on the show, you know." Patrick's eyes gleam in the light from the other side of the room, and they both hear the door open and a sound guy coming in to let Pete know that he has five minutes. "People in movies and television shows and yes, musicians too. You'll be fine, and then you'll get fucked. Everyone wins."

"Everyone? What about you?"

"Well," Patrick starts, his eyes flashing and his smile growing just a little wider. "You have your sidekick in your pocket, right?"

"I'm not fucking taking pictures, Patrick."

Patrick gives a little pout, and fucking dammit, he swears that he and Brendon have fucking traded places in their sleep or something, like in the movies, and soon he's going to take over his own body and he'll be a fucking zombie for the rest of his life.

Pete sighed. "I'll go into it in full detail. If it happens. Which, you know, it won't."

A smile lights Patrick's face, light and enigmatic, and Jesus, Pete wishes that he would stop doing that.


Pete gives Stephen some credit. He doesn't play games.

"So my friend, my band mate, I don't know. We fuck sometimes, and I love him a lot. Whatever. Anyway, he loves your show, and he's kind of obsessed with you a little, and he kind of wants me to fuck you, for whatever reason."

Stephen raised an eyebrow, clearly amused, and Pete makes a note to file away somewhere for later. Patrick's smile and Stephen's casual amusement is pretty much one in the same, and he scoots just a little closer.

"And like, I know that you make these jokes, and he doesn't think that you're exactly joking, and Jesus, I kind of sound like him right now. His words, you know. He's not too good at getting them out sometimes," Pete continues, his mind straining to tell him and tell him to shut. the. fuck up.

He's not sure what's making him stumble over his words like this, because if Pete Wentz is one thing, it's a fucking smooth talker. Stephen just stares at him with dark eyes, trying to figure something out almost. He can't really tell just what he's thinking, and that makes him talk fucking more because he needs to keep finding ways to fill the silence.

Stephen speaks though, and it's like a wave of relief that washes all over him. "I don't know, you're kind of young for me," his eyes move up and down, and Pete feels like he's getting perved on, and he won't admit that yeah, it's kind of hot. "And I don't normally fuck guests on my show."

He smiles. "You know, especially ones that put on such interesting interviews."

Yeah, the interview. Pete could practically feel the waves of excitement radiating from Patrick from backstage, and if anything, it made him want to step up even more. It went smoothly, to say the least; more than a few gay innuendos were exchanged and Pete could swear that there was something, minuscule, but something, in Stephen's gaze as they talked about music and the book and the band.

They had gone as far as to have Pete wait for Stephen along the hallways leading to the outside of the studio, and Pete grasped the door handle, tight, and he wondered in the back of his mind just what the fuck he was doing until Stephen was walking toward him, his tie removed and a hand running through his hair, and yeah, Pete would've called Patrick right there to inform him of his victory if he didn't think that it would be off-putting.

Outside, it was bitter cold and Pete's hair was violently windblown, so much so that Stephen felt the need to ruffle it, then pat it down, almost into place. And then he suggested they share a cab, and Pete felt something tighten in his stomach.

Inside, in Stephen's fucking house, goddamn it, it's better. He still feels cold, but it's nothing different from winters back in Chicago. This is nothing that Pete doesn't have a complete handle on.

"Interesting, yeah." He thinks about it, and that's really all that there is to say. This is interesting. The instances to which this came about, just why the hell he's in Stephen Colbert's house at two in the morning, how Stephen keeps inching closer, or maybe that's just his imagination.

It's then that Pete realizes who he is and what he would be doing if this were, let's say, Patrick. Stephen glances at him, all dark eyes and curiosity, and Pete gets up slowly, maneuvering his leg across Stephen's lap and straddling him, his fingertips pushing against the buttons of Stephen's shirt.

"Interesting," Stephen exhales in a breathy laugh, his hand moving up to cup Pete's chin and pull him down, their lips connecting with a sudden rush. Pete pulls away and strips off his hoodie, a smirk on his face and Stephen reaches down to unbutton his jeans, his eyes widening.

"How the fuck do you get into these?" he asks, his eyebrow raising and his fingers brushing the skin on Pete's stomach, causing him to suck in a breath.

Pete's hands work their way down, disposing of Stephen's belt and working his pants open fast and easily, and he glanced up at Stephen under half-lidded eyes. "Something tells me that you're not too, far from finding that out for yourself."

Pete grabs Stephen's hand, kissing his fingertips and then opening his mouth and slipping three of them in, his eyes never leaving Stephen's as his mouth stretches to accommodate them, his tongue sliding, getting them wet. He lets go and kisses Stephen again, hot breath against hotter skin, and Pete lifts himself up to take off his boxers.

"C'mon, fuck" Pete breathes, and after a few seconds Pete wonders if he should clarify, but soon enough he feels Stephen's fingers (long, soft fingers, Jesus) press against him, working their way inside. Two at first, because Pete can handle the stretch (Pete is impressed at how Stephen can read people like that) and then slipping a third one in.

Pete gasps and pulls down Stephen's zipper, pulling his waistband down just enough, not even bothering getting them all the way off. Pete pulls himself off of Stephen's fingers and lowers himself onto his cock, which is already fully hard and it's now inside him and oh my fucking god.

Stephen gives a low grunt, fingers digging into Pete's hips and helping him move, a slow, steady fuck at first, but soon Pete moves forward, back, forward, like a melody.

"Jesus, just. . . fuck," is all Pete can manage to get out, his words coming in short, hard pants as he rides Stephen's cock, his forehead pressed against Stephen's hot neck and Stephen's breath behind his ear, and he's moaning softly.

"You-you know, you're really going to make it far like this," Stephen groans, his hips thrusting forward hard until all Pete can make are noises. He smiles, his eyes slightly narrowed, and darker, if that were at all possible. "Tell your friend, your band mate, your whatever, that your words come out just fine."

It's that kind of shit that makes Pete's legs tense, his muscles tight and his jaw tightening still, but Stephen reaches around to pull his cock, and with one, two, three hard strokes, Pete is coming with stars in his eyes, his release coating Stephen's stomach and the back of his knuckles. He grinds down, and Stephen's hips jump again, and he's coming too, and Pete can feel warmth, a smooth heat that fills him immediately, his eyes closing.

After Pete can breathe again, he untangles himself from Stephen's limbs, wiping his hand on Stephen's jeans and glancing at him before he can say anything. Stephen just kind of smiles.

"You need a ride? There's all sorts of pervy old men wandering about at night, you know."

Pete scrunches up his face; rubs the back of his head. "Nah. With my luck, Patrick is probably in back picking through your garbage or something."

Before he leaves, Pete has the courtesy to kiss Stephen goodbye; a slow, sharp kiss on the mouth, and with a smile, he says quietly, "I fucking win."


"Never mind. Thanks for the publicity."

On his way back to the studio (it'll take hours, he thinks. How the fuck is he going to get a cab this fucking late?) he texts Patrick. "yeah, we fucked, and you owe me so fucking much, it isn't even funny"

But yeah, he won. He slipped his phone back into his pocket and smiled.


"Well?!" Patrick's eyes were wide, to the point where Pete feared that they might actually roll out of his eye sockets at any minute. His mouth was open slightly, and his fingers had a fucking death grip at his shoulders, gripping against his sweater.

Pete blinked. "Well what?"

"Don't play with me, Pete. How was it?"

"Not so fucking fast, Mr. Stump." Pete moved his hands, down low, his fingers skirting over the waistband of Patrick's pants, enough to touch skin but not much else. Patrick bit back a groan and shivered, his eyes connecting solidly with Pete's.

"I was told that there was a prize for winning this challenge, and I plan on collecting."


Pete tells Patrick what happened with Stephen, detail by detail, while jerking him off in Pete's bunk. It's cramped as shit and he has room to do nothing but that, but he hears no complaints from Patrick's end.

He's halfway through the story when Patrick comes, and well past the end of the story when Patrick comes again, his breath erratic.

"You know, you live a charmed life, Pete Wentz," Patrick muses, yet again, and Pete doesn't even try to quell the urge to run a hand through his hair.

"Oh yeah. Just wait until my autobiography comes out."

"You know," Patrick starts out carefully, and if he smiles, Pete is going to kill himself, "there's no reason these challenges can't be a regular thing."

"Do you want me to have a reputation as a whore?" Pete asks, and Patrick gives a cheeky grin (goddamnit).

"Are you scared? Pete Wentz is never scared."

"Will you stop saying shit like that?" Pete gave a resigned sigh. "Fuck, fine. Who did you have in mind?"

"Well, you know, I don't always watch fake news," Patrick says, and Pete can actually somewhat sense where this is all leading.


"Well, you know. MSNBC has this anchor, Keith Olbermann, and I have a feeling that you two would get along pretty well." Patrick sighs a little, an agreeable noise that makes Pete look down and God, Patrick is touching himself already.

"Man, that would be hot," he finishes, and then he smiles, and Pete's head falls back against the wall. Yeah, he's pretty much fucked.


Current Mood: crazycrazy
Current Music: hahahahahahahahahahhha
sparkofmyteens on February 10th, 2007 06:53 am (UTC)
AGKLJEKLAFJEKL AGRJAKLFJLE aklgjekal fejlkgraalksfje grasjfklejfle

saklfjeklajf ejlfae




let's write stories together.: fob; patrick is cuter than youargyletheme on February 10th, 2007 07:21 am (UTC)

Lol you're probably going to be the only person that comments on this fic because well, we are just that awesome, I think.
Re: PS: I DIED - sparkofmyteens on February 10th, 2007 07:27 am (UTC) (Expand)
Re: PS: I DIED - argyletheme on February 10th, 2007 07:40 am (UTC) (Expand)
BTW: ILU - sparkofmyteens on February 10th, 2007 07:42 am (UTC) (Expand)
Re: PS: I DIED - robjlea on February 11th, 2007 04:23 am (UTC) (Expand)
contrabrevitywacky_iraqi on February 10th, 2007 07:24 am (UTC)
This is so crazy. I love you. I've started getting into F.O.B in the past month and then I stumble on to this. Amusing :-D
let's write stories together.: fob; killing each other by sleeping inargyletheme on February 10th, 2007 07:56 am (UTC)
Hee, thank you! It's kind of hard not to get into Fall Out Boy and then immediately want to slash each and every one of them with Stephen. D:

I just want to say: - azrielen on February 13th, 2007 10:07 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: I just want to say: - argyletheme on February 13th, 2007 10:54 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: I just want to say: - azrielen on February 13th, 2007 11:42 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: I just want to say: - argyletheme on February 13th, 2007 11:45 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Son cherie Leanne: asp: Stephen - rapture rapes the museslashia69 on February 10th, 2007 07:36 am (UTC)
...and Pete feels like he's getting perved on...
HAHAHA, that phrase really cracks me up XD

"Never mind. Thanks for the publicity."
And that was a really good, bittersweet line that I approve of.

Anyway, ha, as you know, I know nothing about these musicians of which you speak (except for what part of Pete's peen looks like), but for some reason this filled me with glee anyway, haha. Nice work as always, my friend :B
let's write stories together.: paul; *iz a dork*argyletheme on February 10th, 2007 07:58 am (UTC)
Thank youuuu for your thoughts and compliments and stuff even though you have no idea who I'm writing about other then Stephen and Wentzpeen. XD Nice to know that I can still fill people with glee. :P
(no subject) - lashia69 on February 10th, 2007 08:05 am (UTC) (Expand)
cobrasnaps: KEEP IT GAY~!!!cobrasnaps on February 10th, 2007 01:16 pm (UTC)



Okay I kind of lied. I do know who Pete Wentz is and I know Patrick... all because of my little sister who is like OMG P!ATD IS SO GHEEEEY~! AND SO IS MCR AND FALL OUT BOY AND BRIGHT EYES AND HIM (ESPECIALLY VIIIIIILA) AND BAM AND THEY ALL FUCK EACH OTHER FOR HOURS ON END AND IT'S REALLY HAWT. (And I kind of don't like hearing that coming out of my 13-year-old sister's mouth, but WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO? SHE LIVES, WHUT, NEXT DOOR TO ME? Well, for now, until I board me flight in -- shit -- three hours. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.) AT LEAST I KNEW WHAT THEY LOOKED LIKE OKAY?

But LMAO LMAO LMAO THIS IS SUCH CRACKWTFHATTERY ANDILOVEIT. omg. This was absolutely hilarious!!! XD Thank you so much hon for making me laugh!! <333333 You are made of awesome, win, sex and all that is orgasmic.

Now I'm gonna go write hard-wreching angst to Metallica (who is seriously as gay ifnotgayer as P!ATD and I have pictures to prove it). I'm such an angst whore. D:
let's write stories together.: patd; they will not destroy usargyletheme on February 11th, 2007 04:48 pm (UTC)

I'm actually really glad that you found it funny, because that's something that I always worry about because. Like. I'm not funny. D: But thank you and I'm glad that it amused you as much as it did. XD

And I really don't think it is possible for any band to be gayer than Panic!, so I'm not believing anything until I have proof, ma'am. WINKWINKHINTHINT.
(no subject) - azrielen on February 14th, 2007 12:11 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - 67 on March 22nd, 2007 07:02 am (UTC) (Expand)
I'm spamming and I'm not saying sorry, so THERE. LOL. - azrielen on February 14th, 2007 12:36 am (UTC) (Expand)
(Deleted comment)
let's write stories together.: fob; we're going down swingingargyletheme on February 11th, 2007 04:50 pm (UTC)
Jesus, I don't even know. It's like, one minute I'm angsting because I can't write a thing and I have all this stuff planned and then I see Pete Wentz and I'm like "o hay pete/stephen maybe" and then I write this. I hate my brain.


BUT THANK YOU HELEN. I love you. ♥
(Deleted comment)
let's write stories together.: fob; the boys in the bandargyletheme on February 11th, 2007 04:44 pm (UTC)
I love your icon. jf;laksjdf,m.

And thank you. :D
sparkofmyteens on February 11th, 2007 01:24 am (UTC)

let's write stories together.: music; number one with a bulletargyletheme on February 11th, 2007 04:51 pm (UTC)

Re: ♥ - sparkofmyteens on February 11th, 2007 05:01 pm (UTC) (Expand)
kristin: WENTZ - tasty electronicslayered on February 11th, 2007 01:29 am (UTC)
So sparkofmyteens sent me here to read this and do you know how awesome this was? This was so awesome that I didn't realize I was listening to bad music until the song was almost over and I got to the end of the story. Because I was THAT distracted by the awesome of Pete and Stephen and Patrick and Keith and... things. Things. Many things.
let's write stories together.: mcr; oh tee fuckin' threeargyletheme on February 11th, 2007 04:55 pm (UTC)
Things. Things are very good. Especially things that involve Pete and Patrick and Stephen and ... sex. Yes. Thank you for commenting and I'm glad that you liked it and that it could distract you from bad music!
SuRGe BSB_mydecember_ on February 11th, 2007 03:14 am (UTC)
Oh, WOW. Hello, I think I need to marry you.
This is so cracktastic and AWESOME. (And yes, okay, I may have, once or twice, daydreamed about Pete on TCR or TDS. Maybe.)

You pretty much win at life.
let's write stories together.: fob; i'm the leading manargyletheme on February 11th, 2007 05:09 pm (UTC)
You're going to have to take up that marriage offer with my fiancee, but hey, polygamy is the thing nowadays, right! XD Thank you for reading and enjoying it, and thank you for the compliments! ♥
robjlearobjlea on February 11th, 2007 04:18 am (UTC)
I am laughing so hard right now. Gold star baby.
let's write stories together.: music; desire depression obsessionargyletheme on February 11th, 2007 05:10 pm (UTC)

Thank you!
Ash!webofglass on February 11th, 2007 04:28 am (UTC)
Oh my.
let's write stories together.: fob; patrick is cuter than youargyletheme on February 11th, 2007 05:14 pm (UTC)
I know, right. It was late and I was not in my right mind and yeah. BUT THERE IS PETE/PATRICK IN THERE FOR YOU SO OKAY.

violent_rabbitviolent_rabbit on February 11th, 2007 11:49 am (UTC)
This was briliant. Despite me knowing nothing about Fall out Boy itr was greeeeat. And hot. Guh. *fans self*
let's write stories together.: gc; they'd stumble and they'd fallargyletheme on February 11th, 2007 06:03 pm (UTC)
Hee, thank you! :)
allievanilla_alia on February 13th, 2007 07:00 pm (UTC)

(i love the small bits of characterization infused throughout and WOW this awesome hot and awesome and GAH)
let's write stories together.: fob; patrick is cuter than youargyletheme on February 13th, 2007 10:51 pm (UTC)
Eee, thank you. It really means a lot to me that you enjoyed it seeing as this was kind of my first time writing Pete/Patrick. SO YES. Yay and thank you. ♥

PS: I noticed that we have some communities in common and I kind of need more FOB fans on my friends list. so. uh. friends? maybe? :D?
(no subject) - vanilla_alia on February 14th, 2007 12:28 am (UTC) (Expand)
Killjoys, Make Some Noiseazrielen on February 13th, 2007 10:09 pm (UTC)

I'm not even that much of a fan of Stephen Colbert but holy shit if that's not exceptionally hot.

And also, I enjoy Patrick living vicariously through Pete, and using Pete's uncontrollable attraction to him to his advantage.
let's write stories together.: fob; killing each other by sleeping inargyletheme on February 13th, 2007 10:52 pm (UTC)
XDDD THANK YOU. To tell the truth, I'm not much of a Stephen Colbert fan either (though I used to be) but this was kind of begging me to be written. Thank you for reading and for the lovely compliments!
IT'S FOR THE HAMSTER THAT I'M GONNA BUY!: wentzoverloved on February 14th, 2007 02:19 am (UTC)
anderson cooper! do anderson cooper, next!!!

wow, that was so much fun.
Killjoys, Make Some Noiseazrielen on February 16th, 2007 05:13 pm (UTC)
ANDY HURLEY/ANDERSON COOPER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They fuck each other senseless then talk about African refugees or Anderson's trip to Middleofnowhere, East Asia or something! OMG HOT in the weirdest way!
(no subject) - argyletheme on February 16th, 2007 05:14 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - azrielen on February 16th, 2007 05:16 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - argyletheme on February 16th, 2007 05:17 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - azrielen on February 16th, 2007 05:19 pm (UTC) (Expand)